Most people believe that the eldest child has it best in a family for many reasons but what happens when one of the Parents is also an eldest coming from a very abusive (physical and emotional) background?
My Mom came from just such a family with 6 children on a poor farm in the middle of the Midwest United States on a very dirty, bumpy road. She retold stories of her upbringing that hurt my heart to hear. She vowed to never allow her children to be beaten or abused. Just how she was going to accomplish this was through sheer will. What was neglected, however, was time spent healing her own inner child. Rest in peace Mom, I know you did the very best you could.
My Father came from a near by farm in the same township. They were friends for life. His upbringing was very poor and he desired to never be in the position of his family not having enough money for essentials. What he traded was time spent with his family to accomplish this dream. Rest in peace Dad, I know you did the very best you could.
Taking the time to heal our own inner wounded child before having our own children may be the most important event in our entire lives. If we did not take the time to do this before having children, there is no better time than right now to begin the healing.
We are all wounded, regardless of our position within the family. These wounds can be inflicted in more ways than can possibly be fathomed. Bottom line is that there is a wound and until it is attended to, it will not heal. At the most inopportune times this wound will split open with no warning, seemingly no cause, no trigger. Everyone wonders, what is wrong? They were not present when the wound was inflicted and most often we have buried it deeply so long ago that even the person experiencing has issues understanding why this emotion is so deep-seated.
When that wound opens, to ignore it is not healing the cut upon our tender inner child. Most often, we feel vast amounts of guilt for having these feelings. This also does not heal the wound. Often, we feel shame for harboring the negative, ugly emotions deeply toward those that we love the very most. If you can, try to remember that the child you were felt these emotions at their respective logical emotional developmental age. Your inner child is not experiencing the emotions from an adult perspective.
What if Love is the very issue? At some point we felt unloved. Perhaps this is true, perhaps it is a perception, perhaps we have proof, perhaps not. It does not matter, we can debate the validity of feeling unloved until the cows come home but it will not heal that inner child's wound. Only listening to that inner child without rebuke, without the continuous explanations, unconditionally and fully tolerant may the inner child be truly heard. Once the child is heard, only validating those emotions has a chance of healing.
That wound has been festering for a very long time, untended. It is time to attend to it now. No more band aides or ignoring, hoping it will just magically heal on its own. It is time to attend to that wound as a loving, caring, adult with perfect authority over this child. It is time to attend to that wounded child with compassion, love and tenderness which you also have perfect authority to do. The one person you will never (through eternity) be able to get away from is yourself.
My parents had a very unique style for dealing with their children feeling unloved. What they did not do, ever, was validate that feeling of being unloved. Rather than address the issue, it was buried in many ways to (in their minds) prove that this was not true.
As an adult the inner child now believes that it is our duty to become an adult and put away childish things. We are this child, however, and that experience is a part of our lives regardless of years.
I am an eldest child, as was my Mother before me, of two beautiful daughters. In many respects my Parents did their best to overcome what they saw as obstacles. Thankfully they were very forth coming regarding their own rearing which has enabled envisioning their personal transformation through life much easier.
This is not about my parents, however. This article is about healing our inner children and the importance of it. As an adult we have the ability to do this but not until we listen to our inner child as if it were a stranger without the conditions of emotional attempts to defend those that we love. The unloved inner child is unloved, regardless of any other circumstances.
Until we love, honor and care for our inner child, life can not be fully lived, appreciated and experienced. The inner child is with us for life, this is where immense curiosity, joy, spontaneity and wonder arise. There is possibly nothing in life that is more important than healing any emotional wounds still open within us as adults.
It takes courage and strength to be our own best defenders, our own best friends, our own hero. You can do this, of that I am certain. Best of luck and congratulations on healing your inner child.
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